      |
| ARIES
(March 21-April 19): Poit twoonie
squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen? |
| TAURUS
(April 20-May 20): Excellent day to come up with new
theories to explain the universe around you. Remember:
the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example,
most physicists today subscribe to the "Big Band" theory
of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory
that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble". |
| GEMINI
(May 21-June 20):A person of Irish descent
will attempt to sell you something you don't especially
want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia
(a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new
hobby. |
| CANCER
(June 21-July 22): You will unearth a small stone
figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on
your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front
of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week
or two. |
| LEO
(July 23-Aug. 22): Good day to buy a stereo microscope,
and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good
a day as any. |
| VIRGO
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Tomorrow is a good day to wear
your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into
rooms while shouting "Hark!" however. |
| LIBRA
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22):You will be followed by people
who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain
calm -- they can sense fear. |
| SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):Today you will attempt to capitalize
on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately,
you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN,
instead. |
| SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You would be ill-advised to try
to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know
you were thinking of it.) |
| CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You will develop the extremely
rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange
compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or
sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend,
"Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda. |
| AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18):You will develop a passion for Cajun
cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been
"blackened". Your family will draw the line at blackened
corn flakes, however. |
| PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20): Hmm. Hard to read this one. The
carrot stopped right between "catches horrible disfiguring
disease" and "loses everything in major earthquake". I
guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case.
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